This woman walks into a doctor's office complaining about her
asthma so,
the doctor gives her some steriods to take for a week and promises her
she will be feeling so much better.
A week goes by and the woman comes back and the doctor askes her how
she's feeling and the woman says GREAT, I haven't had an attack all
week long, BUT there have been a few side effects...and the doc says
"such as??" And the woman says "well I've developed some hair on my
chest and I'm kinda feelin self conscious about it" so the Doctor says "
well how far down does the hair go?"
All the way down to my balls and thatís another thing I want to talk to
you about!!!
TOP
Twas the Night Before Christmas...
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Mamma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and Mama went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts."
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee."
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney came Santa with a boom and a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll just stay a short while"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"
TOP
THE SMART MONKEY
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking
it
the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the
bar and
eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on the pool
table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender
screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything
in sight, the little
bugger. I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays
his bill and
leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink
and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his
drink,
the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up hiss ass,
pulls it
out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey
did now?", he
asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!",
says the
barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats
everything in sight, but
ever since he swallowed that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
TOP
Our Hero goes to Hell
After having died and gone to Hell, our Hero is sitting on a rock, depressed. The
Devil is
passing by, sees our Hero, and asks "Why are you so depressed?"
Our Hero's reply is "Look, I died, I ended up in Hell, you figure it out!"
"It's not that bad here, you know." says old pointed tail. "You like
to drink?"
"Well yeah, I like to get drunk now and again."
"See, every Monday is open bar, all you and drink. How about smoking, any kind
of cigar
or pipe or tobacco you want on Tuesdays" chides ol' Mr. Pitchfork.
"OK. Maybe. I do like a good cigar now and then."
"Good, Good. How about gambling? You like to gamble? Casino Day all day Wednesday.
And all the Drugs you can do on Thursdays."
"Sounds good." our Hero says. "What about Fridays?"
"Well, are you gay?" questions the Devil.
"NO! I AM NOT GAY! shouts our Hero.
The Devil shakes his head and laughs, "Your gonna HATE Fridays then."
TOP
A Wish for Christmas
It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the
middle of the mall in his big holiday setup. He has a line of
kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want
for christmas. As the line dwindles down; a little 5 year old
boy comes up and sits on santas lap. Santa says to the little
boy"I bet I know what you want for christmas". "I bet you
want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys
nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The
little boy responds "Nope".
So santa again says "Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E"; as
he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his
finger after every letter of the word. The little boy again
said"Nope".
Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he
thinks to himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to
the little boy "I bet you want a fire engine,F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-
N-E"; once again touching the tip of the little boys nose
with his finger after every letter of the word. Where to the
little boy responds "Nope".
Well at this time santa's really pissed off. So he says to
the little boy "Then what the fuck do you want for
christmas"?
The little boy then looked at santa and said "I want some
pussy, P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't
give me any because I can smell it on your finger"!
TOP
To the Father's Dismay . . .
One day this kids father walks past his sons room and hears
his son praying. "God bless the family and good bye grandpa,"
goes his prayer.
Then next morning grandpa dies. This makes the father curious
so he goes and listens to his son pray the next night.
"God bless the family and good bye grandma," goes this nights
prayer.
The next morning grandma dies. By now the father thinks the
boy is possessed so he goes to listen to his son again.
"God bless the family and good bye daddy," the father hears.
By now the father is freaked out of his mind. The next
morning the father wakes up he's overjoyed he is not dead. So
when he goes to work he tells his friends about his son and
that if anything happens to him to call 911. The day goes
by nothing happens. When he goes home he walks in and asks
his wife how her day went.
She says, "Terrible. The mail man dropped dead on our front
door."
TOP
The Timid Paratrooper
A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a
paratrooper. After weaks of training the young got to jump
out of
his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and
when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back
down. The troop leader said to the young man,"IF YOU DON''T
JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I'LL STICK MY
DICK UP YOUR ASS!"
A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his
father what happened and he said,"did you jump?"
The boy said,"A little at first!"
TOP
You Can Never Really Go Back
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They
were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been
married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here
naked as jaybirds fifty years ago this morning."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at
the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,
"My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years
ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your
coffee and the other one's in you oatmeal!"
TOP
An Unusual Ailment
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first
class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip
off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides
she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his
wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts.
She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few
minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang
out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and
says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've
removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the
hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I
have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an
orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you
taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
TOP
The Perfect Tatoo
One evening a couple of old friends decided to get tatoo's after a long night of
drinking.
The first guy asked the tatoo
artist to put the name of his wife on his arm. After the artist had finished, he
ask the second
guy if he wanted the name
of his wife on his arm too. He decided the he wanted a hundred dollar bill tatooed
on his
pecker. The arist ask what in
the hell for. The second man replied,"first of all I always like playing with
my money,
second I like to watch money
grow, and finally the next time my wife blows a hundred dollars I won't mind so much.
TOP
Buckwheat Lets the Cat Outta the Bag
One day the little rascals were sitting in school. The teacher walked in, and said,
"good
morning class. Today we are
going to play word games. I'm going to give you a word and I want you to put it in
a
sentence for me." She said
"Spanky you're first. Your word is football." Spanky stood up and proudly
said " I threw
the football," and sat down.
The teacher said "very good Spanky." Then the teacher said, "Darla,
you're next. Your
word is pretty." Darla stood up
and said, " I think I'm very pretty!" Then she sat down. Then the teacher
called on
Buckwheat. She said, "Buckwheat,
you're next. Your word is dictate." Buckwheat stood up looked at Arial, and
said, "Hey
Darla! How'd my dic tate las nigh?
TOP
The Young Man's Big Mouth
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms
come in packs of 3, 9 or 12
and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's
really hot. I want the
condoms because I think
tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're
going out. And
I've got a feeling I'm
gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd
better
give me the 12 pack." The
young man makes his purchaseand leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He
asks if he
might give the blessing, and
they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The
girl leans
over and says, "You never
told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says,
"You never
told me that your father is a
pharmacist."
TOP
The Elephant and the Mouse
An elephant and a mouse are walking together through the jungle when the elephant
falls
into a very large hole. The
hole is so large that try as he might, the elephant is unable to climb out.
So the mouse says, "Hang around, I'll get something to drag you out with"
and leaves. A
little while later the mouse
returns driving a Porsche and with a rope tied to the bumper bar and he drags the
elephant
out of the hole.
The two friends continue their stroll through the jungle when all of a sudden, the
mouse
falls into a hole. The elephant
immediately stands over the hole and squatting over it, lowers his penis so the mouse
can
grab it and lift himself out of
the hole.
The moral of this story is that "IF YOUR DICK IS LONG ENOUGH YOU DONT NEED
A PORSCHE."
TOP
The Timid Monkey
A monkey sees a lion and flies up a tree. The lion says, "don't worry, I just
ate and I
wanna be your friend."
The monkey says, "I don't believe you. Prove it by tying up your hind legs."
The lion does it, but the monkey still won't come down. The lion says, "Come
on, I
promise I won't hurt you."
The monkey replies, "you could still get me with your forelegs. Tie them up
too and then
I'll come down."
The lion does it and the monkey STILL doesn't come down. "Look," says the
lion, "I'm
all tied up and helpless. Why
won't you come down."
"Oh, I will," says the monkey, "It's just that I've never fucked a
lion before."
TOP
The Gift
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they
had
not been dating very long,
after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note:
romantic
but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a
pair
of white gloves. The sister
purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up
the items
and the sister got the gloves
and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man
sealed
the package and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go
out in the evening. If it had not
been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she
wears
short ones that are easier to
remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the
pair
she had been wearing for the
past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she
looked
really smart. I wish I was
there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in
contact
with them before I have a
chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting
them away as they will
naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them
during
the coming year. I hope you
will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
TOP
The Hazards of Kicking the Cat
There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day doing his chores.
He
was feeding the chickens and
he got mad and kicked one across the yard. He was feeding the hogs and got mad and
kicked the hell out of one of
them also. He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail
so he
kicked it, too. His mom had
been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a
month
because he was a mean little
bastard. She told him to wait 'til his dad got home. His dad came home and tripped
over
the pussy cat and he got mad
and kicked that cat across the room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are
you
going to tell him or am I?"
TOP
Clinton gets ahead
Bill Clinton had to go to Bosnia, but he didn't want to go alone. He asked Hillary
if she
would go with him. She said,"I hate Bosnia. I don't want to go there, Bill."
But Bill was
persistent and kept asking her to go. Finally, she said, "Bill, I don't want
to go there! I'll
do anything for you, just don't make me go to Bosnia with you. I'll even give you
a
blow job!" Well, when Bill heard that, he agreed immediately. She went on down,
but all
of a sudden she jumped up and said, "Hell, Bill, your dick tastes like shit!"
Bill said,
"Well, Al didn't want to go either."
TOP
The Hazards of Alcohol
Three guys are sitting in the pub with hangovers from the night before... The first
guy says
"I was so drunk last night,
I woke up this morning with my pyjamas on over my clothes !"
The second guy says "That's nothing, I was so drunk I had sex with a woman who
I don't
even know and my wife
walked in and I didn't even care!"
The third guy says, "You think that's bad, I was blowing chunks all night !"
"That's not so bad," said the other two.
"No no, you don't understand " said the third guy, "'Chunks' is the
name of my dog!"
TOP
Cellar Full of Whiskey
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my sister to empty
the
contents of each and every bottle
down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew
the cork from the first
bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which
I
drank. I then withdrew the cork
from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass,
which I
drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I
pulled
the cork from the fourth bottle
down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle
from
the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out
of the next
glass and poured the cork
down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank
the
pour. When I had everything
emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles,
and sinks
with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all
the
houses in one bottle, which I
drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half
as
thunk as you might drink. I fool
so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
TOP
What not to name your dog
Everybody has a dog called Rover or Boy. I call my dog "Sex". When I went
to city hall to
buy a licence I told the clerk
I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too."
But then I said "This is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked
like. Then I said
"You don't understand I've
had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite
a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel
clerk that I wanted a room for
my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was
for sex.
I said, "You don't
understand Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran
away.
Another contestant asked me
why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex
in the
contest. He told me that I
should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. I
hoped to have Sex
on T.V. He called me a
show off.
When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I
said
"Your honor, I had Sex before I
was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after
I was married Sex left.
He said "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came
over
to me and asked "What are
you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm looking for
Sex. My case
comes up Friday.
TOP
Blonde Jokes
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
A: You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.
Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A: Adjust the steering wheel.
Q: Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.
Q: Why does a blonde wear panties?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: What did the blind blonde say as she was making love with her new boyfriend?
A: "Funny, you don't feel Jewish."
Q: What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They are both fucked when they're on their back.
Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?
A: If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
A: At the circus you'll find a cunning array of stunts.
Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
A: She peed on her corn flakes.
Q: What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was making love to him?
A: "Funny, you don't feel Jewish."
Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the
overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
Q: What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
TOP
The Shit List I
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's
no shit
in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit
on the
toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet
paper between your ass
and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you
suddenly realize you have
to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead shit". You have to strain so
much to get
it out that you turn
purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first
breaking it up into little pieces
with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most
noticeable trait is the tread mark
left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you
can do
is sit on the toilet,
cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your
ass so fast
that your butt cheeks get
splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all
over the side of the toilet
bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to
someone
before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to
be your
old self again.
THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a
newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next
7
hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many
flushings.
THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or
bouncing motion, but quite
often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires
patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to
shit (ie.
during lovemaking or a
root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position -
usually
harmless.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in
which
you are entered and bears
a close resemblance to the Drinker's shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while
hiding behind the
passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you
actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the
floor. (You
should have followed
the advice from the Lincoln Log shit.)
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming
out
sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap shits. The shape and size of the turd
resembles a tall boy beer
can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two
choices: (a) flush and keep
going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on
the
way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny
splashing sounds when they
hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of
the poisonous bathroom
odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run
out
gaggin and gasping for
air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because
if
you wipe now, it's going
to smear all over the place.
The "TURBO-CHARGER" SHIT
You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak, thinking everything is
normal, and suddenly there is
a totally unexpected, yet full and robust passing of wind, followed by more, perfectly
normal shit. This
typically results in a completely soaked behind.
THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS SHIT
You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving along the only
stretch of freeway with no
service station for the next 50kms, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your
pants on your way in to
the trap, and there's an immediate explosion, followed by the realisation that there's
a
new mottled wall-paper
on the wall behind the bowl.
The Shit List II (revised)
SNEAKY SHIT
The kind that gets all over your hand when you when you try to wipe.
AHEAD OF ITSELF SHIT
The kind of shit that stinks two minutes before you shit it.
HEAVY SHIT
The kind of shit that when you get off the toilet, you feel like you lost ten pounds.
BRAVO SHIT
The kind of shit you're so proud of, you have to take a bow.
RAINBOW SHIT
The kind that has so many different colors that someone would think you eat nothing
but skittles.
CAMOUFLAGE SHIT
(Most commonly found in cows.) The kind that looks just like muddy grass until you
step in it.
NOT REALLY SHIT
The kind that you shit when someone slipped you some laxative and you just ate some
pizza and you can still
make out the mushrooms and pepperoni.
COUNTLESS SHIT
The kind that is in so many pea sized pieces that you couldn't possibly count them.
ENERGIZER SHIT
When you've already been on the toilet for half and hour and it keeps going and going
and going.
FLU SHIT
When your not sure if you want to shit in the toilet and throw up on the floor or
throw
up in the toilet and shit
on the floor.
SUICIDE SHIT
The kind of shit that goes down the hole before you flush.
FORGETFUL SHIT
When you get through shitting and you forgot to check for toilet paper and you have
to
use whatever you can
find, like: The cardboard center of the toilet paper, the old washrag with a hole
in it, or
the pages ripped out of
the three year old Time magazine.
HAIR SHIT
Pieces of shit so thin, you don't feel them as they come flying out of your ass.
JALAPEÑO SHIT
The kind of shit that burns so much, it makes you want to kill a Mexican.
TOP
A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities
of
their wives.
The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world.
She
went to a supermarket sale
and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer!
The Scotsman says, "That's nothing! My wife went out last week and bought a
brand new
$30,000 car, and she can't
even drive!
Not to be out done, the Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last
week she left
for a two week holiday in
Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even HAVE a penis!"
TOP
Nudist Colony
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him
to send
her a current picture of
himself. He is too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony.
The only
pictures he has of himself are
nude pictures so he cuts a picture in half and just sends her the top part.
About a week later he receives another letter from his mother asking him to send
a picture
to his grandmother. The man
cuts another nude picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half instead
of the top
half. The man is really
worried when he realizes he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his
grandmother's eyesight is and hopes
maybe she won't notice.
A couple weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "I
liked your
picture, but your hairstyle does
make your nose look long."
TOP
WHICH CONDOM WOULD YOU USE?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't eat just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
TOP
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf
course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee
the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the
ball - don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune
to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of
the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and
said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's
go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to
cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say,
"Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the
floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A
man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was
trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released
me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one
wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a
year for the rest of my life."
"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you
want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had
sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep
with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a
lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't
care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two
hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at
the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies - that's amazing."
TOP
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at
his church."Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife
keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you.
I'll be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her
a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who
made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr.
Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed
her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs.Jones,"
said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister
noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation,
motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as
she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again, Mrs.
Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time
the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of
his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as
signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the
minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she
bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off
and shove it up your ass!!!"
The sermon was over.
TOP
What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.
What do you call a vegetarian with Montezuma's revenge?
A salad shooter.
TOP
A man walks into a bar, carrying a small box. He sets the box
down on the bar and opens the lid and music wafts out
into the room. The man sitting next to him looks into the box
and is amazed to find out that the music is coming from a
tiny man playing a tiny grand piano inside the box. So, he
asks the other guy about it.
He responds, "I found this lamp, read the inscription on it
and rubbed it. I've got the lamp right here." He takes the
lamp
out of his pocket and reads the inscription "Rub this lamp
and it will grant you one wish." The other guy asks, "Can I
rub the lamp too?" The guy shrugs, and hands him the lamp.
After rubbing it for a moment, the bar starts to fill up with
ducks. Literally thousands of ducks. The 2nd guy looks
stunned and says to the first, "I didn't wish for ducks. I
wished for a million bucks." And the first guy looks at him
and
says, "Do you think I wished for a ten inch pianist?!"
TOP
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
TOP
GOOD * BAD * WORSE
Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter
"borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're
in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each
other.
Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser. Worse: He looks better
than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She
implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your
husband.
Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camouflage and
has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."
Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's
gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on
Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theater. Bad: It's performance
art.
Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the
headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your
clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son,
that is.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350
pounds.
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex-
ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the
star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming
home.
Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All
of them
TOP
The word on the blackboard
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she
noticed that someone had written the
word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard.
She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding
none, she rubbed the word off and began
class.
The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board
again. This time it was written about
halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for
the culprit, so she proceeded with
the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom
and found the same disgusting word
written on theboard, each day's being larger than the
previous one, and each being rubbed off
vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in
expecting to be greeted by the same word
on the board, but instead found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
TOP
How can you tell when a woman has had a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her
pen.......oooops
TOP
What Men say...vs...what they mean
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"I've gotta pee" = Get out of the way.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you.
"Can I get your coat?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Let me get your door." = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to
fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why are you making such a big
deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted
psychological trauma are you going through
now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex
now!
"Good morning." = That was great sex......let's have more!
"See you later." = That was great sex......let's have more!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better
before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't
look that much different!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = For $50 they
should have GIVEN you hair!
"Let's talk."= I am trying to impress you by showing that I
am a deep person and maybe then you'd
like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to
have sex with other guys.
"Will you marry me?" = I might as well get tax benefits for
going through these "talks"
While shopping:
"Yes, that one's nice" = Why do you ask when you aren't going
to listen anyway?
"That one looks great on you" = Pick any freakin' dress and
let's go home!
"I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's
go home!
"Uh huh" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together."
= I am gay.
TOP
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually
mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that
inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one
jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the
ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you
spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls
from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half
gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even
date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much
less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring
and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what
it actually means) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay
around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the
other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male
perspective thing)
TOP
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually
mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it
actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
TOP
Top 17 Programmer's Terminologies - and what they really
mean!
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are
still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO
THE
PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks
very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far
behind schedule
the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn
thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so
surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only
person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape
that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems
for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility
for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to
what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with
what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this
bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm
lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Code not interchangeable with the previous
design.
16. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked!
17. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
TOP
HUMOR
Someone sent me a postcard with a picture of the earth. On
the back it said, "wish you were
here."
Cross country skiiing is great if you live in a small
country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
"Did you sleep well?" No, I made a couple of mistakes.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't
park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used
paint. It was in the shape of a house. I
also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and
arms from the statues that are in all
the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to
paint it.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same
time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and
get a great parking spot, then sit in
my car and count how many people ask me if I'm
leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked
if I had any firearms with me. I
said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of peole are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a
silencer?
My dental hygenist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat
a package of Oreo cookies while
waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the
rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
"Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I
wasn't going to be on the road an
hour."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day
because that means it's going to be up all
night.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of
Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
TOP
Headlines that happened
Miners refuse to work after death
Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
Juvenile court to try shooting defendants
War dims hope for peace
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Red tape holds up new bridge
Typhoon rips through cemetary : hundreds dead
Squad helps dog bite victim
Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
Kids make nutritious snacks
Local high schol drop outs cut in half
Sex education delayed, Teachers request training
Something went wrong in jet crash, Expert says
Panda mating fails, Veterinarian takes over
Stolen painting found by tree
New study of obesity looks for larger test group
Backflip on University Exams
TOP
Murphy's Laws On Sex
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier
it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.Nothing improves with age.
3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered
take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4.Sex has no calories.
5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble.
6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
you've got.
8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are
going to get or how long it is going to last.
10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will
follow.
12.Virginity can be cured.
13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually
stops listening to him.
14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are
usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16.Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17.It is always the wrong time of month.
18.The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19.When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20.Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances
are you won't either.
21.Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday
pray for crop failure.
22.The younger the better.
23.The game of love is never called off on account of
darkness.
24.It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the
ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25.Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26.Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a
lot of frogs.
27.There may be some things better than sex, and some things
worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28.Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29.Love is a hole in the heart.
30.If the effort that went in research on the female bosom
had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-
dog stands on the moon.
31.Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32.Do it only with the best.
33.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
four- letter words to convey its full meaning.
34.One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35.You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating
nine women.
36.Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37.It is better to have loved and lost than never to have
loved at all.
38.Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
39.Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than
you.
40.Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41.Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42.A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man,
the women he couldn't.
43.What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic
in the stick.
44.It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45.Never say no.
46.A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't
love her.
47.Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48.Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49.Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50.A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51.Love comes in spurts.
52.The world does not revolve on an axis.
53.Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the
other eight are unimportant.
54.Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55.Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56.There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when
they fall in love.
57.Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58.Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59."This won't hurt, I promise."
TOP
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud in Victoria's
Secret:
#10. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#9. No Thanks. Just sniffing.
#8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7. Mom will love this.
#6. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboy Logo on it?
#5. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
#4. Will you model this for me???
#3. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
#2. 45 bucks?? You're gonna end up NAKED anyways!!
...And the number one thing that a man should never , ever
say out loud in Victoria's secret:
#1. Does this come in children's sizes?
TOP
What is the defination of a born loser ?
A guy who falls into a sea of tits and comes up
sucking his thumb.
What makes a man think he's so great ?
1) He has a belly button that won't work.
2) He has tits that won't give milk.
3) He has a cock that won't crow.
4) He has balls that won't roll.
5) He has an ass that won't carry a thing.
What's green and hangs from trees ?
Giraffe snot.
What did Adam say to Eve the first time they had sex ?
Stand back I don't know how big it gets !
How do you define a "tough guy" ?
He bangs his dick on the side of the urinal to dry it
off.
When is a woman really macho ?
When she kickstarts her vibrator or rolls her own
tampons.
What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer ?
A system that won't go down.
Why do women have legs ?
So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.
Where are an elephants sex organs ?
In his feet, if he steps on you, you're fucked !
What do a nun and Seven-Up have in common ?
"Never had it, never will."
What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ?
1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling
water.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your
mother.
Why did God create women ?
Sheep can't cook.
What's the difference between love and herpes ?
Herpes lasts forever.
What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato ?
A dicktator
What's so great about being a dick ?
1) You've got a head with no brains.
2) Two nuts follow you around all day.
3) Your neighbor is an asshole.
4) Your best friend is a cunt !
What is the likeness between a parrot and a homo ?
They have both shit on there stick.
TOP
Little Johnny
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little
Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The
salesman says, "little boy is your mother home?" Little
Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "what do you
think?"
TOP
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.
The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 blackbirds sitting on
a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How
many blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!"
The teacher replies, "None -- how do you figure that?"
The little boy says, "If I shoot one, all the other birds
will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence."
The teacher replies, "Hmmmm, not exactly, but I do like the
way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, can I ask you a question?
There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream
cones.
One is licking her cone, another is biting it, and the third
one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women
is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then
finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, it's the one with
the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!!"
TOP
Titicons
(.)(.) tiny tits
(o) (o) regular tits
( O )( O ) big tits
( @ ) ( @ ) big harry tits
( ' ) ( ' ) perky tits
{.} {.} shriveled tits
( , ) ( , ) drippy tits
[ _ ] [ _ ] android tits
( # ) ( # ) Tysoned tits
TOP
Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The barkeep comes over to them
and asks,
"What can I serve you
gentlemen?"
One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of you finest beer
that I can lick my
eye." The barkeep says,
"I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever
seen one that
could lick his eye. I'll take
that bet."
So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his
eye socket.
The barkeep says, "Damn,
you got me." He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the
bar.
When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you
gentlemen
ready for another?" The same
guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite
my ear." The
barkeep hesitates for a
moment and looks at the guy's left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no
way you've got
an artificial ear. I'll take
that bet."
The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts
them back in
his mouth. The barkeep
says, "Damn, you got me again." He brings the guys another pitcher of beer
and goes
about tending the bar.
A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and
lays a $100
bill on the bar saying, "I'll
bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with
their rims
touching without spilling a
drop on the bar from 3 feet away." The barkeep says, "It'll be worth $100
to see that so I
bet you can't do it." He puts
his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.
The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor.
The
barkeep picks up the two $100
bills, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is
smiling and
says, "I just made $100 so
I'm smiling, you just lost $100, why are you smiling?"
The drunk says, you see they guy over there I've been drinking with all this time?
I just bet
him $1,000 that I could
come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you'd wipe it up with a smile on your
face.
TOP
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see,
but his
old friend Chris the tractor
salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just
had to go
up and say something to
him.
"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even
more,
and a tear came to his eye.
"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't
sell a tractor these days
to save my life. I'll tell you,
I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think
you got it bad, I got it
worse. Now you listen to
this...." "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That
ol' cow gets more
ornery as the years go by.
Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes
starts a
slappin' me with her tail.
After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters,
and tied ol'
Bessy's tail to the rafters.
Then I got back to work."
"I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked
me
clean off the stool! Boy, if that
upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of
the milking
stall, and get a started trying
to milk her again."
"Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it,
so she let's me
have it with her other hind
leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece oh
rope and tied
up Bessy's left leg to the
other side of the stall."
Just then John paused to take a sip his beer.
Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did
you finally
get to milk her?"
"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife
that I was
out there to MILK that cow,
I'll BUY a tractor from ya....!"
TOP
Bank Teller
A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller,
"I want to open a fucking checking account".
"Please sir", she replies, "we can't have language like that in here."
"Why the Fuck not?" he asked.
"Sir," Came her retort, "I must ask you to refrain from swearing."
"I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I just want to open
a fucking checking
account."
With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager.
The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman.
"Shit yes", came the reply, "I just won 14 million dollars in the
lottery and want to open a
fucking checking account."
The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you
a hard
time?"
TOP
The Brown Haired Blonde
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her
hair cut
and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she
stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess
how many
sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied,
"Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and
exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick
of my
flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked
one that was by
far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a
proposition
for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
TOP
Camel Died
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel
falls
over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them
will
survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point
it probably
wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her
breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely
how
wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis
before,
could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a
huge erection. The
priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"
"Is that
right" the nun replies?
"Yes," says the priest.
So the nun said: "Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get
the hell out of
here!"
TOP
Cigarette Condoms
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It
started
to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip
and
slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put
over your
cigarette?". The other old lady said," Its a condom". "A condom?
Where do you get
those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase
condoms at the
pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went
into
the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes,
but
looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked
her,
"What size do you want?". The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One
that will fit a
Camel!"
TOP
Too Much Coffee
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work
there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named "Joe".
You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee
after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you
in the
mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
TOP
Click Here If You Don't Like My Web Site
You swine. You filthy little maggot. What is that tripe you call an opinion? What
is that
scrofulous little tumor you call a brain? Don't you know that you are pathetic? You
worthless bag of filth, you wad of pus. You're a canker, a sore that won't go away.
I
would rather kiss a goat than be seen with you.
You're a putrescent mess, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving
of
nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life
is a
monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
I will NEVER get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you.
You
are a monster, an ogre. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal
of a paper
cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed,
a
fungus, the dregs of this earth; and did I mention that you smell?
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You're grimy, squalid, nasty and profane.
I
have excreted better things than you. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool,
an
ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you.
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. I
would
rather bathe with Hitler than speak to you. You are the moral equivalent of a leech.
You are
a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all
that
lends to character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy.
You are
asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery
and
sorrow wherever you go.
You are a fiend and a coward and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious
and
depraved. I feel debased just because I know you exist. I despise everything about
you,
and I wish you would go away.
There, now I feel better.
TOP
Confusious Sayings
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk. A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless
bastard.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Elevator smell different to midget.
TOP
Dr. Seuss Tech Support
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as very
last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet
pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking Icons
put
your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then
your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash.
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected
to the
button on your mouse, Butyour packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's
repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the
window
are a wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause
as
sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on this disk And the microcode instructions
cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM
your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
TOP
Divorce For A Redneck
A redneck walks into a lawyers office and says, "I wants me a devoars!"
The attorney says, "Do you have gounds?"
"I gots 20 acres uh' the best bottom land in Alabamma."
"No I meant to ask do you have a good case?" replys the attorney.
"Yep, I rekkun so. I traded by International Harvester for it 'bout three four
yar 'go.
The attorney says, "Well nevermind that. Does she beat you up?"
"Nawh, hell no! She don't roll outta bed til roun 8 9 o'clock and I'm up with
the chickens
4:30 5:00 'ary mornin."
"Is she a whinner?"
"Nawh, we boaf hadta quit drinkin back in June cause the police said they'd
lock boaf us
up 'we didn't.
"Is she a nagger?"
"Nawh, but that nagger baby she just had show is and that's why I wants me a
devoars."
TOP
Earth's Population
If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with
all
existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look like this:
There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Americas (North and South)
and 8 Africans.
51 would be female; 49 would be male.
70 would be non-white; 30 white.
70 would be non-Christian; 30 Christian.
50% of the entire world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people and all 6
would be citizens of the
United States.
80 would live in substandard housing.
70 would be unable to read.
50 would suffer from malnutrition.
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth.
Only 1 would have a college education.
No one would own a computer.
When one considers our world from such an incredibly compressed perspective, the
need
for both tolerance and understanding becomes glaringly apparent...
TOP
Ebonics Homework
A friend of mine has an 18 year old son named Leroy. Last week Leroy was given an
easy
homework assignment. All
he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. What does Leroy
do?
Word Sentence
AXE
I done AXE you once now don't make me AXE you a'gin.
CATACOMB
Don King hair look stupid. Somebody ought'a give dat CATACOMB.
CONTAGIOUS
It's gonna take that contagious to shovel all that snow.
DEFEAT
Defeat of depig sho' is good pickled.
DEFENSE
De Sheriff woulda catched me but I jumped defense.
DEMAND
If you don't quit sellin' dem drugs DEMAND gonna get you.
DETAIL
That possum almost got away but ol' Blue catched him by detail.
DISAPPOINTMENT
My parole officer tol' me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna
send me back to the big house.
FORECLOSE
If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE .
FORTIFY
I axed da hoe how much for some? And she say FORTIFY.
HONOR
At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR first?
HOTEL
I gave dis girl da crabs and the HOTEL everybody.
INCOME
I just got in bed wit dee hoe and INCOME my wife.
INDISCREET
I bought deez drugs here in de screet.
ISRAEL
I said man that Rolex look fake. He said, no ISRAEL.
ODYSSEY
I tellin' you Bro! You ODYSSEY the jugs on this hoe!
PENIS
I went to da clinic and 'day handed me a cup and said PENIS.
RECTUM
I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.
SELDOM
My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I SELDOM.
STAIN
My Mother in law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.
TRIPOLI
I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't fine no TRIPOLI.
UNDERMINE
There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.
TOP
ITALIANO VISITS AMERICA
I am an Italiano visitin America.
One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella
waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me only one piss. I tella her I want
two piss.
She say go to the toilet. I say no, you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate.
She
say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady
and she
call me sonna ma bitch.
I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and knife but
no fock. I
tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her no, you no
understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you
sonna
ma bitch.
So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager
and
tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to ma toilet. I say no, you no understand.
I wanna
shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace". I say piss on
you too, you
sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy!
TOP
A Jew, A Hindu, and a Lawyer
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer all arrived at their hotel to find that there
had been a
mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share.
The
manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at
a
neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep
in
free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the
Jew
graciously said he'd sleep in the barn.
The Hindu and the lawyer were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there
was a
knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's
a pig in that barn and
because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead."
So off he went to the barn,
leaving the lawyer and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to
sleep,
when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said,
"but there's a
cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn
with it."
The lawyer grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving
the
Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down
to
sleep, when here was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
TOP
Laboratory Rabbit Freedom
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born
and
brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under
his
little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this
is great,' he
thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he
saw a
wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you
wild
rabbits?
'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What
else
do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.
'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in
it. We dig
them up and eat them.'
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots.
They
were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'
'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.'
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is
there
anything else you guys do?' he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one
other thing
you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of
the field.
'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.'
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until,
completely
knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
'That was fantastic,' he panted.
'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.
'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it
here.'
'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for
a cigarette.'
TOP
LAPD, CIA, FBI Rivalry
The heads of the CIA, FBI, and the LAPD were in a conference with the president of
the
United States. They couldn't accomplish much, however, because of their incessant
rivalry
with regards to which agency could apprehend suspects the most efficiently and quickly.
The president decides to settle it once and for all by releasing a rabbit into the
woods and
timing the results of the agencies as a test of efficiency.
The CIA places several animal informants in the woods and after eighteen weeks of
deep
cover questioning of all the animal, plant and mineral witnesses, they conclude that
the
rabbit has fled to a foreign country and that they need arms to trade with Columbia
in order
to get cooperation with extradition efforts.
The FBI surrounds the woods with its own agents and those of the ATF after reports
that
the rabbit has armed himself and is operating a militia using the woods as a hub
of
operation. After four weeks of frustation and standoff they rush the woods without
warrants and accidentally burn down the whole damned woods with a malfunctioning
tear
gas canister, killing 112 rabbits, several hundred animal hostages and innocent onlookers.
They insisted, however that the rabbit had it coming because they had given him ample
time
to give himself up.
The LAPD sent four uniformed officers into the woods and in less than an hour returned
with a badly beaten black bear who was screaming Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit.
The president gave up.
TOP
Motorcycle with bad seals
Joe is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but
it's
missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where
the seal
should be or else it won't start.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives
his
new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what
happens at
dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight
a while ago about
doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner
has to do
them."
Joe sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up
to the
ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Joe decides to have a little
fun. He
grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her
parents. His
girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified
when he
sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat
performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is
a little
happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers
his
motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his
girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
TOP
Magician and Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be
different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and
over
again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began
to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting
in the
middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's
parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece
of wood
in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a
day and
another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
TOP
Miracle Bra Alternative
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.
This
does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself,
asking
him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining
that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your
breasts to
grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts
for a few
seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in
front of the
mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts
everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
TOP
Nervous New Priest
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, that he could hardly speak.
Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor how he could relax.
The Monsignor said "next Sunday it may help you if you put some vodka in the
water
picture and after a few sips everything will go smoothly."
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into action and was able to talk
up a
storm! He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from
the
Monsignor:
1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
5. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-a-Dub -Dub thanks for the grub,
Yeah God!"
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
7. Do not refer to our Savior Jesus and the Apostles, as "J.C. and the boys."
8. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are NEVER referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior
and the spook."
9. It is always the "Virgin Mary" never "Mary with a Cherry."
10. Last, but not least, next week there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters,
not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffies.
TOP
No Women In This Town
A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier during the settlement of
the
West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated soley by men.
He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for
a
woman?". The cowboy replied,"See them thar'sheep up on that hill. We just
go git us
one."
"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer. After about 3 months
the lawyer
could not stand it any longer.
He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to
do it
right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon
on her,
served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the
sheep to bed.
After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered
into
the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped
drinks,
and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, "You bunch of hippocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort
of freak
for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't
the problem," replied one cowboy, "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."
TOP
Nuns First Hot Dog
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other,
"I hear
that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her
companion replies, "but if
we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both
walk
toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased
to oblige and
he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin
to
unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for
a moment,
she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you
get?"
TOP
Out For A Smoke
It's after dinner when a man realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down
to the
local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back.
He's persuaded by the bartender to share a cold one. As he's nursing it a gorgeous
blond
comes in the door, but he looks the other way. She comes over and sits down. One
thing
leads to another and she invites him home.
Back at her place they screw like rabbits until the next thing he knows it's four
o'clock in
the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the woman awake, asking if she has any
baby
powder.
"In the bathroom cabinet" she says.
He dusts his hands, drives home at ninety, and pulls into the driveway to find his
wife
waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand.
"So where the hell have you been?" she screams.
"Well, you see honey," he stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes,
but Jake offered me a
beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking
and I
ended up back at her place making love..."
"Wait a minute" snapped his wife, "let me see your hands." Turning
on him furiously, she
says, "Don't lie, you rotten little shit...you've been bowling again!"
TOP
Pope Dies
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee,
and
after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures,
and
spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master,
he
sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working
back
from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him,
only to
find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'!
They left out
the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting
his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed
to be
CELEBRATE!"
TOP
Stolen Car
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop
on the
beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a
bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited
for all
the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing
yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . .
. they
got my girlfriend too!!!"
TOP
Any Three Words
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally
gorgeous
and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his
eyes
away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
"I'll
do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$100
on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You
have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket
and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He
looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
TOP
Translation Table Womenspeak to Men
A List of Abbreviations in the Women Seeking Men Classifieds
Code Word
Really Means
40-ish
Will be 50 next month
Adventure
Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate
Possessive
Artist
Unreliable
Athletic
Flat chested
Average looking
Ugly
Beautiful
Pathological liar
Commitment-minded
Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important
Just try to get a word in edge-wise
Contagious Smile
Bring your penicillin
Educated
College dropout
Emotionally Secure
Medicated
Employed
Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera
Snob
Enjoys Nature
Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty
Would frighten a Martian
Feminist
Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure
One paycheck from the street
Free spirit
Substance user
Friendship first
Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun
Annoying
Gentle
Comatose
Good Listener
Borderline Autistic
Humorous
Caustic
Intuitive
Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition
Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker
Lush
Looks younger
If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel
If you're paying
Loves Animals
Cat lady
Mature
Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last
boyfriend did
New-Age
All body hair, all the time
Non-tradional
Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned
Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded
Desperate
Outgoing
Loud
Passionate
Loud
Petite
Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet
Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional
Bitch
Redhead
Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable
Frumpy
Reubenesque
Grossly Fat
Romantic
Looks better by candle light
Self-employed
Jobless
Smart
Insipid
Special
Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual
Involved with a cult
Stable
Boring
Tall, thin
Anorexic
Tan
Wrinkled
Voluptuous
Very Fat
Wants Soulmate
One step away from stalking
Weight proportional to height
Hugely Fat
Widow
Nagged first husband to death
Writer
Pompous
Young at heart
Toothless crone
TOP
Translation Table Menspeak to Women
A List of Abbreviations in the Men Seeking Woman Classifieds
Code Word
Really Means
40-ish
52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Affectionate
Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist
Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic
Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking
Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking
Fat, grey, and bald
Educated
Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed
On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure
I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will
expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your
mortal life.
Free Spirit
Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first
As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun
Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking
Arrogant bastard
Honest
Pathological Liar
Huggable
Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
ISO Slim
Would be better off with a labrador retriever
Light drinker
Headed for AA
Like to cuddle
Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on the beach
I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear
Logical
Dumb as a box of rocks, but thinks he's smarter than you
Mature
Until you get to know him
Open-minded
Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit
I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself
Poet
Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated
Professional
Owns a white button down
Reliable
Shows up on time-give or take 3 hours
Self-employed
Jobless and eats nachos all weekend
Sensitive
Needy
Smart
Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV"
Spiritual
Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Stable
Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful
Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Virile
Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out
Young at heart
Pedophile
TOP
Triplets Have Breakfast
Two year boy old Triplets were seated in their hi-chairs at the table as their mother
asked
the first one what would you like for breakfast?
"I'll have some of those goddammed eggs," he exclaimed. The mother immediately
picked
his little ass up and whipped it good fashion. Putting him back in his chair roughly
she
asked the second one politely, "What would you like?"
The second triplet said, "I guess I'll have some of those eggs and a piece of
that
goddammed sausage." His mother immediately picked his ass up and whipped it
just as
good as the first. Slamming him back into his hi-chair she then turns to the third
and says,
"What will you have?"
He said, "I'll have anything else you've got except for those goddammed eggs
and that
fucking sausage."
TOP
Twenty Four Hours To Live
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He
goes
home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if
she would
have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you
know I
only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the
shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left,
how about
again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder
again
and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours
left before
I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know..
you don't
have to get up in the morning, but I do!
TOP
VITAL SIGNS
There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that
every time
she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the
nearby
monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might
just
provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma.
She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees.
When he
arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around
the
bed, and closes the door.
Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his
wife's
vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse,
upset
that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the
woman
she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.
"I'm not sure, but I think she choked".
TOP