TOP461. Buttons we would like to wear:


Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

You! Off my planet!

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Better living through denial.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Adults are just kids who owe money.

One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

Earth is full. Go home.

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
TOP462. Men & Women:


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
=============================================
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
=============================================
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
=============================================
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
==============================================
Married men lived longer than single man,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
=============================================
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
=============================================
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
=============================================
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,and she does.
=============================================
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
=============================================
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman
- before marriage and after marriage.
TOP463. YOU ARE AN AWESOME CHILD OF THE 80'S IF:

You know what a "burnout" is.
You know what "Sike" means.
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
You wanted to be a Goonie.
You know who Max Headroom is.
You ever wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing.
You could breakdance, or wish you could.
You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
You wanted to be on StarSearch.
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.
You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on its ass, or knew someone who did.
You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
You HAD to have your MTV
You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".
You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name".
You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
You own any cassettes.
You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
Poltergeist freaked you out.
You carried you lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf. (FYI: she wasn't, remeber Sassy Smurf?)
You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
You ever had a Swatch Watch.
You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman), or knew someone who did.
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
You know what a "Whammee" is.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend,are a"Child of the 80's".
TOP464. Out All Night Drinking

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking.The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
TOP465. The best Norm quotes from "Cheers"!

"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know; if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean POUR!"

"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer-nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson?
"A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No. For a stupid question"
TOP466. Some Classic Blonde Jokes

1.) What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

2.) Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

3.) Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.

4.) What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

5.) What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

6.) Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

7.) Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

8.) How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

9.) Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!

10.) What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

11.) How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.

12.) Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

13.) A brunnette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Where you ever a Blonde?" "Yes I was." she replies. "why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

14.) A Blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said, "Oh look at the dead bird."
The blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, Where??"

15.) A brunnette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" Suddenly, the brunnette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The Brunnette goes back to jumping from rail to rail , counting "22" "22" "22"

16.) How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

17.) Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

18.) How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

19.) Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

20.) Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for Winter".

21.) Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

22.) A Blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and wtahces her antics for a few minutes before stopping and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning?!"

23.) Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No they look like moose tracks."They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.


24.) Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxioously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"

25.) A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

26.) Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

27.) What happenned to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training

28.) What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the
YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

29.) Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

30.) How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
TOP467. You Know You Work In the '90s When...

20. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
19. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
18. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow.
14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.
13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables."
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
And, the number one sign you work in the nineties...
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
TOP468. At The Symphony

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
TOP469. The Mystery of an Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move.

"Father?" asked the boy.

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother!"
TOP470. How it happens:

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with
the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is
very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may
abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant
growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is
very powerful.."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively
promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how shit happens.
TOP471. What if People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did ...

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!".
TOP472. Cats and Dogs...

What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
TOP473. A Little Poem Regarding Computer Spell Checkers...

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.


Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
TOP474. "Male & female Interpretations"

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning and passing gas.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
TOP475. How cold is it?

This is the Unofficial World Wide Activities Thermometer, based on stereotypes and geographical generalizations by temperature.

Air Temperatures (all Fahrenheit):

60 DEGREES: Californians put their sweaters on.

50 DEGREES: Miami residents turn on the heat. Hawaiians put on parkas.

45 DEGREES: Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.

40 DEGREES: You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.

35 DEGREES: Italian cars don't start.

32 DEGREES: Water freezes.

30 DEGREES: You plan your vacation in Australia.

25 DEGREES: Ohio water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.

20 DEGREES: Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther south.

15 DEGREES: French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

10 DEGREES: You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5 DEGREES: American cars don't start.

0 DEGREES: Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 DEGREES: German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you step outside.

-15 DEGREES: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 DEGREES: Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.

-25 DEGREES: Too cold to think; you need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 DEGREES: You plan a two-week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.

-40 DEGREES: Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweater. Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50 DEGREES: Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 DEGREES: Polar bears move south. Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 DEGREES: Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 DEGREES: Hell freezes over. Clinton finally tells all.
TOP476. Your Morning Coffee...

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "
TOP477. Men, Translated

"I'm going fishing."
Really means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me at?"

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
TOP478. Here are some lessons leaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.

Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security police money.

Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
TOP479. Airplane Humor

Here are some actual humorous statements by several airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

** "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

** "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

** "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

** "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

** "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

** Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

** And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

** As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

** Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto-pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

** As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

** "Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

** "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

** "Last one off the plane must clean it."

** And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!

** This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most bone jarring I've experienced. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault.....it was the asphalt!"

** An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

** Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

** Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
TOP480. A senior moment...

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!