TOP51.Jay:
Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven?
Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.
TOP52.A
florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved
his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been
sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read:
SINCEREST SYMPATHIES.
The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered
to think of the flowers that should have gone to the restaurant man. He
had sent to the funeral a clover design of red roses across which was a
bright green ribbon bearing the inscription: =20
BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.
TOP53.YOU
KNOW WHEN THE POST OFFICE IS HIRING WHEN THE FLAG OUT FRONT IS AT
HALF MAST.
THE POSTAL WORKERS WANT HAZZARD PAY AND WORKERS COMP FOR SLIPPING ON
SHELL CASINGS
TOP54.THE
DARWIN AWARDS
Date: December,1997
The Darwin Award is made each year to the person
who has managed to kill themselves (and therefore
prevent the survival of their genes - hence
Darwin!) in the most bizarre way imaginable.
Previous winners have included the man killed when
the vending machine he was trying to extract a can of
Coke from fell on him, and last years aviator who
strapped a JATO module (rocket) to his car and lit
the blue touchpaper.
This year's runner-ups
#1 - [AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man
died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the
Mammoth mountain ski area while riding down the
slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew
David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela
Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3
a.m. The Mono County Sheriff's Department said
Hubal and his friends had apparently hiked up a
ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow
foam protectors from the lift towers. Lieutenant
Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department said the pads are used to protect
skiers who might hit the towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski
slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has
since been investigated that the tower he hit was
the one with its pad removed.
#2 - [AP,St. Louis, MO] Robert Puelo, 32, was
apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market.
When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo
grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and
walked out without paying for it. Police later
found him unconscious in front of the store:
paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his
throat, Where it had choked him to death.
#3 - [UPI, Spain] A poacher Marino Malerba, shot a
stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and
was killed instantly when it fell on him.
#4 - [Associated Press,Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a
party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit
down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth and tongue, state police said
Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the
blasting cap as a prank during a party late
Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man
had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and
was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It
wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you
how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth and
bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue
and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in
guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial
injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston
Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine
anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
#5 -
[UPI,Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's
University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man
shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky
to be alive, and will be released soon from the
hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye
last weekend during an initiation into a men's
rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants
Pass,Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off
his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right
eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter
to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut
and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University
Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8
to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at
the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss
all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had
Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he
surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted
afterwards he and his friends had been drinking
that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so
dumb about this." (I would feel 'dumb' too if that =
much of my brain had been skewered - KEB) =
No charges have been filed but the Josephine County =
district attorney's office said the initiation stunt =
is under investigation.
#6 - [AP, Arkansas] A woman named Linda went to
Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while
there, went to a store. She parked next to a car
with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and
hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When
Linda came out a while later, she again saw the
woman, her hands still behind her head but with
her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so
Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you
okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the
head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't
know what to do; so she ran into the store where
store officials called the paramedics. They had to
break into the car because the door was locked.
When they got in, they found that the woman had
bread dough on the back of her head and in her
hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded,
apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud
explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in
the head. When she reached back to find what it
was, she felt the dough and thought it was her
brains. She passed out from fright at first, then
attempted to hold her brains in!
#7 - From a radio program, a true report of a
happening in Michigan, USA. A guy buys a brand new
Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+
monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting
and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two
Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the
dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They
drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now,
they want to make some kind of a natural landing
area for the ducks, something for the decoys to
float on. In order to make a hole large enough to
look like something a wandering duck would fly
down and land on, it is going to take a little
more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the
back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of
dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these
two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration
that if they place the stick of dynamite on the
ice at a location far from where they are standing
(and the new Grand Cherokee), they don't want to
take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run
from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke
with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light
this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember
a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the
vehicle, the beer,the guns and the dog? Yes, the
dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the
time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream,
wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog,
cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs
the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop
a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,slightly
confused but continues on. Another shot and this
time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused & of course scared,thinking these two
Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. He takes off
to find cover, (with the now really short fuse
burning on the stick of dynamite).... under the
brand new Cherokee. BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are
blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake
in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates
for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing
there with this "I can't believe this happened"
look on their faces. The insurance company says
that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of
explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the
first of those $400+ a month payments.
AND THE WINNER
John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great
state of Washington, decided to attend a local
Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at George,
Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among
them) they sat in the parking lot, and after
finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy
enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and
sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their
pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was
for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over,
and then assist his friend over the fence.
Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop
on the other side of the fence. Having heaved
himself over, he found himself crashing through a
tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large
branch which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked
down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring
the bushes would break his fall, John removed his
pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts
to free himself from the tree. When finally free,
John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp
leaves scratched his entire body and now being
without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim
of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity.
To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded
to fall with him and landed three inches into his
left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain
and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull
him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds
less, he decided the best course of action would
be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is
when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken
state, Sal put the truck into the wrong
gear,pressed on the gas, and crashed through the
fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was
thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal
injuries and also died at the scene. Police
arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver
thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving
the truck, a half naked man, with numerous
scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in
his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the
tree branches 25 feet in the air.
TOP55.So
you think you're computer-illiterate?
Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by
Jim Carlton --
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then
rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the
room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of
friends,"the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store,
the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of
geeks."
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and
washing them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power
button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When
asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What
power switch?"
TOP56.True
story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did
you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to
mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using
the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off
the drive.
TOP57.If
AOL were a City
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
- You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f
cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.
- You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave
your house, the door would be stuck.
- Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy
little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99
- The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave
your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
- 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers,
promotions and offers from www.girlies.com
- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
- The local post office wouldn't forward your mail to you when you moved.
- The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal
toe stubs.
- If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter
saying how "really important you are to us."
- The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass
company somewhere else.
- Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business
would account for 75% of all city revenue.
- Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream,
"M/F??!!," AGE/SEX?!?!, "WHAT ARE YOUR STATS," or "WANNA
GET LUCKY?"
- Those who didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from the
town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your
address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family."
- Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming
"WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
- Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh
behind your back.
- Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security
expert.
- You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you
that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the Earth's
fault.
- Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling,
diapered men holding sacks of candy.
- Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd foot
the bill.
- You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd wind up
studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.
- You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move
in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.
- The administration would secretly sell off chunks of the city's land, while buying
up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
- The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and advertise that
children can play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings
and accosting the children playing there.
- Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies cannot get
out "for safety reasons," and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles
are allowed in.
- The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city,
but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
- Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY!! YOU DO WANT
AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no." The voice then replies
"OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW."
- A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom, 2 patches, commercial
pics of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g.
- Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called
USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.
- Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained
on City Hall, smiling contentedly.
TOP58.Top
Ten Unusual Comments on Monica Lewinsky's Intern Performance Report
10. Truly an eager beaver.
9. Uses too much teeth.
8. Stays late, comes early.
7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.
6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.
5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.
4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
3. "In box" is always clean and shiny.
2. Tends to blab on the telephone.
And the best thing the President had to say about her...
1. This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale.
TOP59.DR.
SUESS ON PCS
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and you screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.
TOP60.25
THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.
18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes
it.
25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize it's a 'do-it-yourself' thing.
TOP61.
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is
it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's
response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service
guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua,
a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some
nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla
with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will
bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands
to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man
asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If
I
fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
TOP62.RULES
LEFT OUT OF "LIFE'S LITTLE INSTRUCTION BOOK" THAT WE SHOULD KNOW:
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check out
three of your friends. If they're OK, guess what....
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take home test, you will forget where
you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
14. My law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where
you left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Distribution: Whatever it is that hits the
fan will not be evenly distributed.
TOP63.Q.
Why did Bill get into this problem?
A. He didn't know that harass was one word.
Q. Clinton Presidential Anthem
A. Kneel to the Chief
Q. Why is there no proof?
A. She swallowed the evidence.
Q. What was Bill's rationalization that oral sex is not a sexual
encounter?
A. Because Monica did not swallow!
Q. Who's handling the case?
A. "Intern"al Affairs
Q. What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
A. At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep
Throat."
Q. How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's
testimony?
A. "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
Q. Why didn't Monica swallow?
A. Because that would be destruction of evidence.
Q. Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate?
A. Her dad is getting more dates than she is.
Q. Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House
staff?
A. She didn't understand know what STAFF he really meant.
Q. What is Revlon calling it's new Presidential winter line for 1998?
A. Shades of the truth
Q. Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story?
A. He's waiting for Marv Albert to do the interview.
Q. Who's going to score first in the Super Bowl? The Denver Broncos or
the Green Bay Packers?
A. Bill Clinton
Q. What was the White House Chief of Staff's reaction to the Lewinsky
story?
A. Now I know why they kept calling Monica the "head" intern!
Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A. Only 1,500 went down on the Titanic.
Q. What's Hillary's new nickname for Bill's penis?
A. "The Titanic" because over 1,500 interns went down on it.
Q. What was yesterday's Washington Post Headline?
A. Bush Beats Clinton
Q. What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?
A. Unibanger
Q. How does Hillary feel?
A. She may be the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST
Q. What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
A. They both heard a giant sucking sound!
Q. President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in
deposition .
A. I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
Q. What's the actual title of Hillary's book?
A1. "It Takes a Village ... to Satisfy my Husband"
A2. "It Takes a Village ... to Watch my Husband"
Q. Realization of another White House intern . . .
A. And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!
Q. How did Clinton exercise his position as Commander in Chief?
A. By barking out orders ... like "Get Under the Desk!"
Q. Don't feel sorry for Monica......
A. She'll be back "on her knees" in no time!
Q. Why does Clinton think he's innocent,
A. Because he didn't inhale the intern!
Q. What's the new game they're playing in the White House?
A. Swallow the Leader.
Q. What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A. "Sat on the Presidential Staff"
Q. What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
A. Fornigate.
Q. What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?
A. Missionary
TOP64.In
a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with
President Clinton?" 86% replied, "Not again"
Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with
Monica Lewinsky?
Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of
the the sweetest interns I've ever had.
If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing
the same?
In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward
and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to
write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's
Women."
Bumper sticker seen in Cambridge, Mass: "Re-elect President Gore in
2000"
TOP65.Top
10 Benefits of a White House Internship:
10. First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs
9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great
8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan "Rock the Vote"
7. Observe the President's commitment to young people first hand
6. Learn intricacies of statutory rape law
5. Have president chase around desk brandishing his "subpoena"
4. President tells you he really wants you on his staff
3. Try out JFK's legendary rocking chair
2. Have president introduce you to his "special investigator"
and the number one benefit of a White House internship...
1. Find out what a politician means when he says he's been polling his
constituents!
66.A businessman boards
a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to
an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices
that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about
it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual
statistics. It identifies that American Indialns have the longest
average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the
way my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto
Kowalski, nice to meet you."
There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.
It suddenly had a malfunction and went down. A few weeks later, PepsiCo
sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the
wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and
found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe
and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief says,
"Yeah". When asked where the crew was the Chief replied, "We ate the
crew and drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked,
"Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs and
we
drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The
Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi". After looking
totally perplexed for a minute a third added, "Did you...you know...eat
their....things"?? The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the
rescuers.
"NO", replied the Chief, " THINGS go better with COKE!!!"
TOP67.Dr.
Seuss Meets Fornigate
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join -- even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are!
Did you smile?
Did you Flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?
That is it; you've gone too far!
I do not like you Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!
TOP68.THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT GET A KICK OUT OF THESE (ACTUAL!) SIGNS:
Sign in London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE: $1 PER PRE-PACKED BAG -.25 CENTS
DO-IT-YOURSELF.
In a laundry, on each washing machine: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE BY THIS DOOR.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use the side
door)
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH; IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,
OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.
EVERYONE WELCOME.
In a cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE
THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
In a health food shop: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
In a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
In a hotel during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND
DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
In a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT BE AWARE THAT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (Please knock hard on
the door -- the bell doesn't work)
In an office building washroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE
FLOOR BELOW.
TOP69.THIS
IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!!
It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the
bottom until you have worked it out.!!!
1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to
go out to dinner.
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you
haven't, add 1747.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
see below:
RESULTS:
You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times
you want to go out each week).
The second two digits are your age!!!
It really works. This is the only year it will ever work, so spread the
joy around by mailing this to anyone you think might enjoy it.
TOP70.John
Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform,
and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central
Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he
didn't, the girl with the rose.
His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida
library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not
with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin.
The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind.
In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss
Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now
lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and
inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for
service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two grew
to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on
a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a
photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it
wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him
to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at
the Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize
me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel."
So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he
loved, but whose face he'd never seen.
I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened:
A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde
hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as
flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green
suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely
forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose.
As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way,
sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to
her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell.
She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40,
she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump,
her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the
green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as
though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet
so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned
me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was
gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did
not hesitate.
My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was
to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be
something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a
friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful.
I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman,
even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my
disappointment.
"I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so
glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"
The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what
this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit
who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she
said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that
she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She
said it was some kind of test!"
It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom.
The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.
"Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who
you
are."
TOP71.A
case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be
absolute, unless absolutely necessary:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
TOP72.THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They
must be gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must
be a god!
TOP73.ACTUAL
NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT - The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS - The Anchorage Alaska Times
GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "PEN IS"] - The New Haven Connecticut
Register (Wouldn't have raised an eyebrow in Arkansas...)
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON - The
Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS - Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION - The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL - The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW - Newsday
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX - San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE - Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS - The Miami
Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING - The New Haven
Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS - The
Tallahassee Democrat
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY! - The
Houston Chronicle
MONDALE GETS WARM RESPONSE FROM FRENCH HEAD - Champaign-Urbana Gazette
(ca. 1978)
OBLONG MAN MARRIES NORMAL WOMAN - Bloomington Pantagraph, mid 60's
TOP74.NOT
CLEAR ON THE CONCEPT:
These are actual comments left last year on
Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers
completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is ther=
e
a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs
to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to
wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are
more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that
go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray
the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful
views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please
eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can
hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
TOP75.THE
IRS LETTER...
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the
government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.
This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of
overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!).
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so
they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot
speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious
lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/
political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy
and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing
than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather
becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your
decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding
on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on
an airplane.
Sincerly,