TOP1001.
Good Eats...
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her
girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my
husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed
suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket,
and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat
food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished
it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the
best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for
me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the
same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said,
"You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would
do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered
your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while
he was cleaning himself."
TOP1002.
Truth In Politics:
It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation
and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall
to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was
getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for
Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled
by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling
reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous
herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked
the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
TOP1003.
IDIOTS...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that
she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why,
she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature of the credit card with
the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front
of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township
administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross
there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual
behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they
only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has
anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If
it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly,
"That's why we ask."
Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing
with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what
the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is
red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Idiot Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to
"downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should
have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked
at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Idiot Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for
the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
TOP1004.
Instrument Flying...
Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented
by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following
is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or
she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which
way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable
you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.
A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that
any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only
necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.
There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to
the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only
startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional
tower operator with an open mouth.
** Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may
be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.
** Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying
to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin.
You will see that this is most unprofessional.
** Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with
only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.
** Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you may want to spend
time with her.
** Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat to
stay upright, she will refuse to leave the aeroplane without the cat. Ducks are no
better on instruments than you are.
** Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise that
they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near
sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to
the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in
an airplane.
** Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with geese. Many large
birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want
to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading
to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.
TOP1005.
A little tired of dumb blonde jokes? Here are some dumb guy jokes!
** Why do men like smart women?
....Opposites attract.
** How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
.....We cook -- they eat; we clean -- they dirty; we iron -- they wrinkle.
** How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
.....Make him wear shoes.
** What did God say after creating man?
.....I can do so much better.
** What's the smartest thing a man can say?
....."My wife says..."
** Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
.....So men can understand them.
** Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after
mating?
.....To stop the snoring before it starts.
** Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
.....Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
** Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
.....Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.
** Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
.....When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
TOP1006.
A Chap walks up to another chap in a pointed hat and says:
Chap - You're Merlin aren't you?
Merlin - Why yes ..it's nice to be recognised!
Chap - Bit of a Wizard ..I hear?
Merlin - Well Yes .. I've been told I'm skilled
Chap - Do tricks and things ..don't ya.. Magical stuff?
Merlin - Magical ... yes that's correct
Chap - Turn Kings into Frogs ..and that sort of thing ..Is that right
Merlin - Well Yes ..I suppose I could Turn a King into a Frog!
Chap - Ever Mucked up ..Ya know, made a mistake?
Merlin - Well Yes ...hasn't everyone?
Chap - Can you reverse a curse?
Merlin - Yes I can ... with knowledge of who applied the Curse and the actual words
of enchantment, I could do it ....Why ?
Chap - I'm Cursed
Merlin - Really ... and how long have you been bewitched?
Chap - Years.....
Merlin - Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?
Chap - Yeah .. can't forget them!
Merlin - What were they?
Chap - something like ... Do you take this women to be your lawfully wedded wife...
TOP1007.
Airsick...
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in
the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy
up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so
the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to
do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes
through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the
big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all
over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
TOP1008.
Strength Vs. Age
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo
anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one
of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will
bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding
that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see
what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the
young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
TOP1009.
Do you know who I am?
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university.
Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having
over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor
was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly
two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an
exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically
as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and
handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his
desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam
booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of
sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed
exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
TOP1010.
Top Ten Rejected Gore/Lieberman Campaign Slogans
10. "Vote For Me Or I'll Come To Your Home And Explain My 191-Page Economic
Plan To You In Excruciating Detail"
9. "Remember, America: I Gave You The Internet, And I Can Take It Away. Think
About It"
8. "Your Vote Automatically Enters You In Drawing For The 123 Billion-Dollar
Budget Surplus"
7. "With Lieberman On The Ticket, You Get All Kinds Of Fun New Days off"
6. "We Know When The Microphone Is On"
5. "Vote For Me, And I Will Take Whatever Steps Necessary To Outlaw The Term,
'Whazzzup!'"
4. "Gore/Lieberman -- You Don't Have To Worry About Pork Barrel Politics"
3. "You'll Thank Us In Four Years When The Escalator To The Moon Is Finished"
2. "If I Can Handle Letterman, I Can Handle Saddam Hussein"
1. "I'll Be Twice As Cool As That President Guy On 'The West Wing'"
TOP1011.
Witty Words of Wisdom:
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest
of the day.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people
in the eyes.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never eat yellow snow.
Never pet a burning dog.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a
leg to stand on.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application
of high explosives.
There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.'
- Alistair J.R. Young
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.
Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school -- you'll be working for them in the
future.
TOP1012.
Buying A Bull
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately,
after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank
from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed
their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west
to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does
want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying
him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the
news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to
my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's
just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that
she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her
the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."
"She'll read it very slow."
TOP1013.
The Lottery
A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone
bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides
to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my
business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please
let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please
let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car
as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My
God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children
are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant
to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back
in order.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted
by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this...
You have to buy a ticket."
TOP1014.
Paper Shredder
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it
into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
TOP1015.
Wrestling
Now that former pro wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura has become Governor
of Minnesota, the question of the day is: what if pro wrestlers took control of the
federal government?
** Congressional filibusters take place in "Texas Death" steel cage.
** During House debate, it is customary to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding
chair.
** State of the Union addresses are screamed, 18 inches away from the camera.
** Past House Speakers: "This session will come to order." New House Speaker:
"Get ready to R-R-R-R-R-RRUMBLE!!!"
** Supreme Court replaces traditional judiciary robes with referee uniforms.
** January 20: Inauguration Day....January 21: FDA OK's over-the-counter sale of
steroids.
** Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
** Line to body slam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
TOP1016.
Signs That Were Found In Peoples Kitchens:
** A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
** No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
** A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just
cleaned the whole house.
** If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
** A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
** Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
** Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be
amused.
** A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
** Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
** Housework done properly can kill you.
** Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal
lives.
** My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
TOP1017.
Humorous Helpful Hints:
** Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream
drips.
** Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle
and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
** To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
** Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan
and the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.
** To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and
roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
** To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of
dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top.
** Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based
sauces and there won't be any stains.
** When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake
mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
** If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled
potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
** Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep
for weeks.
** Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful
glossy finish.
** To determine whether an egg is fresh place it in a pan of cool, salted water.
If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
** Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.
** If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dish washing gloves. They
give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
** Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato
on the stains and rinse with water.
** To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you
will experience instant relief.
** Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line.
So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march.
See for yourself.
** Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves
a lovely smell to the shine.
** When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers
or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes
most splinters painlessly and easily.
** Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer
tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action
clean vitreous china.
** Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill
with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
** Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer
tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
** Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down
the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar, Wait a few minutes, then run
the hot water.
TOP1018.
Three Envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three
numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't
think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn
and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his witís end, he remembered the
envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read,
"Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully
laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the
press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined
with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO
quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This
he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult
times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
TOP1019.
Two Thing To Worry:
There are only 2 thing to worry about in life- either you are healthy, or you are
sick. If you are healthy you have nothing to worry about, but if you are sick you
have 2 things to worry about: either you'll get better, or you'll die. If you get
better you have nothing to worry about, but if you die you have 2 things to worry
about: either you will go to heaven, or you will go to hell. If you go to heaven
you have nothing to worry about, BUT if you go to hell you'll be so damn busy shaking
hands with your friends, you won't have time to worry!
TOP1020.
Golf Challenge
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare
one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes
before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled
onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but
plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the
9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large
pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the
green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally
said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up,
right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not
a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of
course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."