TOP1081. Universal Laws:
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must
be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkeness"
You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker
that came along would have destroyed civilization.
TOP1082. Three Essentials of Middle Age:
When I turned 50, I discovered three essential facts of middle age: periodontia,
bifocals, and golf.
GOLF? DID SHE SAY GOLF?
Let me explain. I once assumed that golf was a sport for elderly country club Republicans.
The sort of men who wore green pants with whale belts and protected their clubs with
fuzzy duck head covers. Golf was Dwight David Eisenhower. My family was Adlai Stevenson.
In my 20s I thought golf was God's way of telling you that you had too much time
on your hands.
In my 30s I decided that a low handicap was admissible evidence of child neglect
in any custody dispute. In my 40s, as a fairly decent tennis and squash player, I
couldn't imagine hitting a ball while it was standing still. Quite frankly, it seemed
unfair. But somewhere along the way, somewhere between Bill Clinton and Big Bertha
and Tiger Woods, between chiropractors and knee surgery and Advil, I had an epiphany
(that's something close to a muscle spasm) that said: golf is my next sport. To wit:
my last sport. I'd better learn it now.
This was a decision aided and abetted by a quirky nine-hole golf course in Maine
where people still stroll and stop to look at the view. It was also aided and abetted
by a quirky husband (more Bobby Kennedy than Adlai Stevenson) who enthusiastically
gave me all his clubs. This was an act of generosity that I didn't immediately recognize
for what it was: A ploy for him to get new equipment. Now, as I approach Columbus
Day weekend with a full set of clubs and big plans, I feel fully qualified at last
to offer up my views on why golf begins at 50.
Yes, I know that one sign of a new and erratic duffer is the penchant for turning
golf into a good walk through midlife spoiled. For reasons that remain unclear, golf
has spawned more philosophical rambles than fairways. Nobody compares tennis to life.
A love game? Ken Burns and several milion fans talk about baseball as the collective
field of youthful dreams, but there's no senior tour on the diamonds.
Today there are, I hasten to add, some 25 million golfers and 16,010 golf courses.
There are speed golfers and networking golfers and boring golfers. There is even,
for reasons that escape me, a golf channel. All golf, all day long. There is a business
writer who actually correlated the handicaps of CEOs with their stock performance.
And there are the very, very serious golf professionals who sit around discussing
whether they should ban new improved clubs because they are making the game too easy.
Say what? But from my perspective, golf is the midlife sport of choice for very different
reasons.
First of all, it's esier to reach your goals. In midlife, after all, it's a snap
to have a handicap below your age and a score below your weight. And getting easier
all the time.
Golf is like midlife because only now do you realize that the course you have set
upon is governed by rules so vast, so arcane, and so arbitrary that the average person
-- you -- will never figure it all out.
Golf is like midlife because it is absolutely unfair. As a young person, you carry
the illusion that, if you do your homework, study, and work overtime you'll get it
all right. By middle age, you know that every time you've got it all together --
work, family, putt, pitch -- some piece is about to unravel. I promise you.
Golf, like midlife, is played against only one opponent: yourself. By the time you
reach 50, ou'd better figure out that doing well doesn't depend on others doing badly.
You don't have to wish them ill. They're not the reason you are shanking the ball.
Golf is like middle age, because -- ah, you knew this was coming -- in these years
you really do have to play it as it lays. You don't get to start everything all over
again. The most you get is a mulligan. If it's an unplayable lie, everybody sympathizes,
but you still have to take a penalty. On the other hand, golf, like midlife, also
offers another chance. No matter how badly you hit one ball, you can still recover
on the next. Of course, no matter how well you hit one ball, you can always screw
up on the next.
Finally, golf is like midlife because at some time on a beautiful October day, when
you are searching for a ball, or for that matter your swing, you look around and
realize for the first or 50th time that in this game, you're the one keeping your
own score.
TOP1083. Words That Don't Exist, But Really Should...
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom
faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running
over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking
it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the
floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest
in a movie theater or airplane.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust
pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up
and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n Manhandling the "open here"
spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems
to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting
whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its
nose to it.
10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone
ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
TOP1084. Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
** You haven't asked yet.
** I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
** Because I just love hearing this question.
** Just lucky, I guess.
** It gives my mother something to live for.
** My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
** I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
** Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
** I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
** It didn't seem worth a blood test.
** I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
** Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
** My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
** I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
** They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
** I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
** I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
** What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
** I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
** Why aren't you thin?
** I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers)
** Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
TOP1085. FOUR YEARS LATER...
December 30, 2004 / Washington, D.C. (Associated Press)
After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner
of the 2000 presidential election yesterday.
Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until Jan.
20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the winner of the 2004
presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton).
Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an optimistic
tone last night. "We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks,"
Bush said. "Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four
or five hours. Let's get to work!"
Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic effort to
fill Cabinet posts. Bush's victory ends a four-year court battle between him and
Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election.
While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president - New York
Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team
simultaneously has been a strain. "At times, it's been difficult to keep the
two things straight. Although, in retrospect, trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox
turned out OK."
Torre's four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative
calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer
to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spit
tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia's shoes, angering conservatives. Torre's boldest
foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state in an effort to improve
U.S. pitching.
Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush moving
in immediately. Eager to give an aura of permanency to his three-week administration,
Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live
out of suitcases.
Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice president issued a statement
today saying, "It would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process
to act hastily before all the facts are known."
The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over the confusing
design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing
that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and others
pink. Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be thrown
out because some people failed to receive "I Voted Today" stickers.
Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the impasse.
All were rejected, including:
*** Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and splitting the
White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV show, East
Wing, West Wing.
*** Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling the states
he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked
at the idea because it would mean showing a passport every time he went home. Observers
said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be working with Congress,
which adjourns tomorrow and isn't expected back until after Bush's term ends. "One
day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide admitted.
"But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference
call or something."
Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power to President-elect
Greenspan. She yesterday wished Bush well and asked if she could start moving some
boxes into the White House basement.
TOP1086. How To Be A Good Husband...
** He consistently spills things in the same location as to avoid making more than
one stain in the carpet.
** He sees to it that he doesn't always sit in the same place on the couch, to avoid
making those unsightly twin-divots.
** He masters the art of halfway-communication so that he can watch TV and still
answer: uh huh, oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time.
** He is able to avoid use of the same excuse two-times-in-a-row.
** He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron, etc. do not make acceptable anniversary
presents.
** Admits with only minor prodding that watching Monday Night Football together does
not constitute a "date" or family home evening (where applicable).
** Has learned all of the childrens' names so that he doesn't have to refer to them
as, "Hey, you there".
** Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment and also the proper time to
say something such as, "Its definitely an interesting dress."
TOP1087. Some Lawyer Jokes...
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the
road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of feces?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his rear.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q:What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
TOP1088. A Long Flight...
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced,
"Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry
about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three
engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and
the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just
fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival
will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine
left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If
we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
TOP1089. Female logic...
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish
at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take
a short nap.
Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She
rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came
the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't
it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you
up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate
woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
TOP1090. CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office
and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe
I'll tell you why...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ...(better start again)
TOP1091. Bill and The Plane...
Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would
say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Martha always replied,
"I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10
dollars."
One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, Martha, I'm 81 years old.
If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance." Martha replied,
"Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you
both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word,
I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars." Bill and Martha
agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was
heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed,
the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think
of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Bill replied, "Well, I was
gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
TOP1092. Army Tactics...
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud.
The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead
and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies
over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
TOP1093. The Perfect Husband...
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and
the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink
coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.
I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good
price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped
by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year.
It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area,
beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the
bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone
and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
TOP1094. IS SANTA A WOMAN?
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it.
Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a
tough time believing a guy ( and a "straight' guy at that!)could possibly pull
it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only
Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count
alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the
universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under
the tree, still in the shopping bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting
there. First of all, here would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted
and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims
that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to
the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID still have reindeer, he'd also have the
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow
and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa
can't possibly be a man:
1. Men can't pack a bag.
2. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
3. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those
elves.
4. Men don't answer their mail.
5. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything
remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
6. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
7. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick
up women.
8. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
TOP1095. Little Johnny Learns to Count...
The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack."
TOP1096. An Embarrassing Problem:
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine,
then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders.
I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting
that the man see an analyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My
brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they
get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender
smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the
bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst
twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the
bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem
to be doing you any good." He sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
TOP1097. Wisconsin Dictionary:
** AIN-A-HEY: placed at the end of a profound statement; as in "isn't it?"
** BART: a Green Bay institution who doesn't need a last name; (see"Vince").
** BELIEVE-YOU-ME: attached to the beginning or end of a statement, makes it more
credible; as in," Really!"
** BLAZE-ORANGE: what deer hunters and cold-weather Packers fans wear at Lambeau
Field. Also a popular color for jail uniforms.
** BORN IN A BARN?: a sarcastic question which usually means you left the door open
or could not correctly differentiate between an alewive and a 'schmelt'.
** BORROW: used in place of lend, as in, "Could youse borrow me a couple two-tree
bucks, yahhey?"
** BRAT: a sausage; a Wisconsin tail gate favorite; doesn't have anything to do with
a spoiled kid.
** BUBBLER: to the rest of the world outside Wisconsin's borders, it is known as
a drinking fountain.
** BUDGE: to merge without permission; cut in; as in "Don't you budge in line
for a brat, I was here first!"
** BY: to; near; as in "Let's go by One Eyed Jack's" or,"She'll come
by da house tonight."
** CHEDDERHEAD: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheesehead."
** CHEESEHEAD: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheddarhead."
** CHEESE CURD: small pieces of fresh cheese that squeak when you bite into them.
** COUPLE-TWO-TREE more than one; as in "Delmer and I drank a couple-two-tree
beers."
** CRIPES: a Wisconsin expletive.
** CRIPES-SAKE: a mild Wisconsin expletive.
** CRIPES-SAKES-ALMIGHTY: a wild Wisconsin expletive.
** DA: substitute for words beginning with "TH;" as in, "Da guy over
dere in da Bears shirt dere."
** FISH FRY: a Friday night dining ritual in Wisconsin.
** FLEET FARM: A Cheddarhead's answer to Bloomingdales.
** FROZEN TUNDRA: Lambeau Field.
** GEEEZ!: Another Wisconsin expletive.
** GOTS: used in place of "have;" as in,"I gots my tickets to watch
da Packers play on da Frozen Tundra."
** HEY: placed at the beginning or end of phrases for emphasis, as in, "Hey,
how 'bout dem Packers?" or "Hows about dem Packers, Hey!"
** HOWS-BY-YOU?: a greeting; the same as,"How's everything?"
** HUMDINGER: a beauty; as in "dat croppy youse caught up-nort is areal humdinger."
** JOHN DEERE: a Cheddarhead's other vehicle.
** LEAKER: (n )One who lacks the mental or physical stamina to continue partying.
** M'WAKEE: Wisconsin's largest city; located just down the lake from T'rivers and
Man'twoc.
** N-SO?: a word inserted at the end of a statement; (sometimes pronounced as AIN-SO),
used as a substitute for "isn't that right?" "Correct?"
** OH,YAH: Depending on emphasis, it's either used as acknowledgment (as "That's
correct") or skepticism (That's bull!).
** PERT-NEER: (sometimes pronounced "PRET-NEAR": in close Proximity; just
about.
** POLKA: the national dance of Wisconsin.
** RUBBERS: protection for your shoes; also known as "G'loshes."
** SCANSIN: the state where Cheeseheads are from.
** SCHMEAR: a card game; also a term used when someone gets beat in a game of Sheepshead.
** SHEEPSHEAD: another card game.
** SIDE-BY-EACH: used instead of "next to each other."
** SKEETER: Wisconsin's state bird.
** START WIT ME LAST: to forfeit your turn.
** STOP-AND-GO LIGHTS: what everyone else refers to as traffic signals.
** UFF-DAH: (from the untranslatable Norwegian phrase) meaning varies with severity
of incident-from "Oops" to "Criminey" to words following "Oh-!"
often said when you make a really big "boo-boo" and are in 'deep doggy-doo.'
** UN-THAW: to defrost or thaw.
** WHERE-ABOUTS: locality; proximity; as in, "where-abouts are youse guys from?"
** UP-NORT: where Wisconsinites go on vacation.
** UP-SIDE-RIGHT: rightside up.
** VINCE: the other Green Bay icon who doesn't need a last name for instant recognition;
(see "Bart"). Recently "Brett" and "Reggie" were also
added to this category, "Mark" is currently there, but will beleaving for
six to ten years... refer also to wearing 'blaze orange' in Mark's case.
** WIH-SKON'-TSUN: the way you can tell the speaker is not a real Wisconsinite.
** YAH-HEY: affirmative, but can be added to reinforce a request.
** YAH-SURE-YOU-BETCHA: yes, you are correct.
** YOU-BETCHA: affirmative, as in "Yah-hey."
** YOUSE: (var."Yoose") pronoun, second person plural.
** YOOPER: someone from even further up-nort than you
TOP1098. Typical Male...
A man came home from work and sat in his recliner, happy to be home and relaxing
after a long and hectic day at the office.
He called to his wife, "Honey, bring me a beer before it starts."
Somewhat irritated but willing to fulfill her hard-working husband's wish, she got
a beer from the refrigerator and promptly delivered it to her reclining husband.
He immediately began drinking it, and not more than fifteen minutes later he called
to his wife a second time, "Honey, grab another beer for me before it starts."
Now truly annoyed but unwilling to get into an argument, the wife stomped into the
kitchen, snatched a beer from the refrigerator and tossed it at her reclining husband
as she walked past him.
Once again, he immediately began guzzling the beer, and about ten minutes later he
called out to his wife a third time, "Honey, bring me another beer will you?
It's just about to start."
Now at the end of her rope, the wife stormed through the house into the kitchen,
all the while speaking in an angry voice about how she was not put on this earth
to be a slave to the opposite sex and that she was not going to be her husband's
own personal bartender for the entire night. She had had a long day too, and
expected some peace and quiet for herself. She jerked open the refrigerator,
grabbed a beer, and slammed the refrigerator closed. She finished ranting just
about the time she reached her reclining husband and threw the third beer at him.
Satisfied, the husband opened the beer, took a large gulp of the frosty brew, and
said, "Ahhh, just in time."
TOP1099. 'Twas The Day After Christmas...
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's--all here!!
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"
TOP1100. 'Twas The Night Before IPO...
'Twas the day before the IPO, when all through the net,
Not an executive was flying, not even Ellison's jet.
The documents were filed with the SEC with care,
In hopes that the IPO soon would be there.
Techies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of liquidity danced in their dreams.
The CEO with a reporter and PR at his side,
The press tour just concluded a cross-country ride.
When out on the web there arose such a clatter,
I surfed to the stock ticker to see what was the matter.
To eTrade, my Mac flew like a flash,
The market made a slight correction, it started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
"Must I sell my SUV, what about the house?"
When what to my wondering eyes would appear,
An email from the CEO that was quite clear.
I knew in a moment what he had to say,
It had to do with the crash that happened that day.
More rapid then VC money and Napster fame,
Another Dotcom Bomb and he called them by name;
"Now Pets! Now Petopia! It was plain to see,
Garden and Eve!" Oh God, why is this happening to me?
"We spent and we spent, with no revenue in site!
Be 'sticky', capture eyeballs, VC's shouted all night."
"As fast as we filed, the IPO was pulled,"
On CNBC our story will be told.
B2C, B2B, P2P changed with a flicker,
No company was spared on the stock ticker.
And then, in a twinkle, we were off raising a round.
Searching and searching, no money to be found.
Don't count on series E, no money, no loan,
The end was quite near, we started to moan.
No more launch parties, and Super Bowl ads,
Pink slips and revenue became the fads.
The dot com frenzy - how it glimmered! The days were so merry!
The stock options how rosy, the payoff so cherry!
From Yahoo! to Amazon, they started it all,
Who would think, "The stock market, fall?"
We were chubby and plump, a right jolly ole folk,
We laughed when we heard, 'Our start-up going broke?'
A wink of the eye and a twist of fate,
We realized our start-up entered the market too late.
We spoke not a word, but overcome with grief,
As we watched the market close in disbelief.
The CEO sprang to his team, and gave a whistle,
Away we were, laid-off like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as we drove off that night,
'www.FailedDotcoms.com will be our next site!'