TOP1101. Santa Sued For Checking List Twice...
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 23) - Attorneys for filed suit in federal court today, seeking to
prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint
seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court
to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and
girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge
to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative
list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment,
alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally
arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking,
checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary
of State James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys
named Justin from the 'nice' list, and filing them under 'naughty' instead because
"everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he
called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." "Their
security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked
right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick
himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking
your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now,"
Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony
she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans
to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dog sled. The "Million
Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs,
not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a Spokes-elf said he was "deeply
distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's losing
weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf. "He's
just not feeling jolly."
TOP1102. An Embarrassing Ski moment...
Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over,
"tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need
of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting
at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.
He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature
of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed
her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was
wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even
notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So
she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've
ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong
way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned
the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning,
the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees,
somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse
side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed
all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for
the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the
lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke
her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived,
put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned
the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg
was put in the bed next to hers.
"So. How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up
this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman
skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out
of her clothes and pants down around her knees."
"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd
moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So, how'd you break your arm?"
TOP1103.
A Floral Apology...
A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the
clerk was putting the finishing touches on his bouquet, another man burst through
the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk
said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, "May I please have
those roses?"
"What happened?" the first man asked. "Did you forget your wedding
anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," the second man confided. "I crashed my
wife's hard drive."
TOP1104.
The Ten Commandments Of Love
1. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my
back.
3. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
4. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
5. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be
seen with thee.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest
what's good for thee.
7. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use
my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
8. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
9. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo,
nor BMW.
TOP1105.
Slow Down...
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly
built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens
were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's
office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so
fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?"
asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."
So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something
about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday
for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.
Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going
to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well,
the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's
the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to
go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself,
"I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be
something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole
sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:
SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.
TOP1106.
New Years Resolutions That You Can Really Keep...
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep?
Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions
that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking.
8. Spend more time at work.
9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
10. Start being superstitious.
TOP1107.
You Know it's Your Last Day at Work When...
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?",
you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into
the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat
ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss was standing behind you. It's
his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneek in and look at some confidential imformation
on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation,
not last week.
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how
was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is
missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.
TOP1108.
Tech Support Stories...
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a
month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could
not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because
the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination
of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine
except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete
and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered
no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer
to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try
printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number,
complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer. On the phone,
the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer
still couldn't find it.
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always'moved in the opposite
direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were
difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse
so the tail pointed away from her.
Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and
it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting.
But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still
connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every
time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital
letters. Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters.
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
TOP1109.
Never Felt Better...
An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his old hound
dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the buggy, and was on his way.
He had just rounded a curve when a speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig,
wiping him out.
After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defense called the local
sheriff as a witness.
The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say when you approached
him at the scene of the accident?"
The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt better.'"
The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the farmer, "Did
you really say that?"
"I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied.
So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you really say,
you 'never felt better?'"
The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the sheriff
came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly injured, bleeding and
looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the dog.
Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt bad, looked
down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse.
Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I felt. So of course,
I replied, "I never felt better!"
TOP1110.
Three Men and A Lamp
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in
Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour.
Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears
and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you,
I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life
living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful
women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to
St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life
living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded
by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent
him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your
wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
TOP1111.
Interesting Defense
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's
arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb,
laid it on the bench, and walked out.
TOP1112.
Mandatory Vacation
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist
that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."
TOP1113.
Reason for Swearing...
Once there was a man who walked into a confessional. "tell me your sins"
said the priest. "Father," replied the man "I have used some foul
language over the weekend and I feel absolutely terrible".
"What made you say such foul language?" asked the priest.
"Well, I was out golfing with a few of my close buddies when it was my turn
to take a shot. I got out my lucky club and took a swing. Boy did it go far! And
it looked like such an accurate shot too! But it must of been an unlucky day or something,
because as soon as it passed over the top of it's arch, a bird swooped down and grabbed
it, right out of thin air!"
"Is that when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No, not yet," replied the man." you see, all of a sudden the bird
began to fly dangerously low,and none other than a dog appeared out of nowhere and
grabbed that ball right out of the birds claws and began to run away."
"Is that when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No..........not yet. You see, the dog was very energetic and began to play
with it. He did this for a few seconds, then dropped it in the bushes. I was just
about to pick it up when a squirrel came running by, put it in it's mouth, than ran
away."
"IS THAT WHEN YOU SWORE?" said the priest, getting impatient.
"No, not exactly. What happened was, the squirrel was heading for the forest
when a raccoon started to chase it out of the forest, and the squirrel ran on to
the golf course and dropped the ball no farther than six inches from the hole."
"Oh now I see." said the priest. "you missed the damn putt, didn't
you?"
TOP1114.
POLICIES AND PROCEDURES
MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES -
NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE We will no longer accept a doctor's
statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your
organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your
share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice
as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow
the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin
with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go
from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary
to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees
may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must
approve this exchange.
** In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. Golden showers
are not to be shared with fellow employees. In other words, "if you sprinkle
when you tinkle - be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!" At the end of three minutes,
an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door
will open.
"Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Your personal well-being is of the
utmost importance to us and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input
should be directed elsewhere."
Have a nice week.
MGMT
TOP1115.
Just Following Directions...
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you
to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
TOP1116.
A Fairytale For The Assertive Woman Of The 2000's
Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
self assured princess,
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night,
on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't think so!
TOP1117.
THE SENILITY PRAYER
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
TOP1118.
Definitions By Gender...
"THINGY":
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
"VULNERABLE":
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
"COMMUNICATION":
Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
"BUTT":
Female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good
for mooning.
"COMMITMENT":
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.
"ENTERTAINMENT":
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
"FLATULENCE":
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.
TOP1119.
How to Change Your Oil...
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty
litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly
to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back
yard.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11, 15, & 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11 and buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket
first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty. Find drain plug in back
yard hole.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on bumper in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit picture of Miss December (1982).
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 26.
40. Drive car a quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.
TOP1120.
My Computer Now Has A Spell Check...
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly Marx four my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.
Eye strike quay and type a word.
And weight four it two say
Weather I eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is made
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter- perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.