TOP1121. HYMNS?

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a

$1,000 bill in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
TOP1122. Ice Fishing...

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.

She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything.

Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
TOP1123. Top excuses if found asleep at your Desk...

"Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

"Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

"Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

"I was working smarter-not harder."

"Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"I'm in the management training program."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"It's okay... I'm still billing the client."

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
"...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"
TOP1124. Quick Thinking...

Mike and Bill were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered the lobby.

Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in.

Just before the thieves got to the pair, Bill turned to Mike and, passing him a $20 saying: "By the way Mike, here's that money I owe you."
TOP1125. GETTING RID OF TELEMARKETERS...

** If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

** If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

** If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, as them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

** This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

** Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she Tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

** Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

** If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

** If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

** After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

** Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

** Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

** Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

** Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

** Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

** Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

** Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

** Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

** Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

** Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

** Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
TOP1126. Application to go on the Jerry Springer Show:

Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
(_) Exotic Dancer

Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank)
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
If no, please explain:
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

Colour of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
TOP1127. HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

** At lunchtime, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

** Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

** Insist that your e-mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com

** Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

** Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

** Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

** Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

** In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

** Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

** Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophet Jimmy."

** Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

** Don't use any punctuation

** As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

** Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

** Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

** Sing along at the opera.

** Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

** Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

** Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

** Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

** Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

** Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

** Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

** Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

** When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

** When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

** Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."

** Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

** Every time you see a broom yell, "Honey, your mother is here!"
TOP1128. Blonde Scout Leader...

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
TOP1129. Well, shit..

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, or forget shit.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along if you give a shit.
TOP1130. More Actual Classified Ads:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
-----------------------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-----------------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS
OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION
$6800
-----------------------------------------
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
-----------------------------------------
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
-----------------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-----------------------------------------
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK and BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
-----------------------------------------
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
-----------------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED ***************
CALL CHUBBIE ***************
-----------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
-----------------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
-----------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
-----------------------------------------
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
-----------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE and DONUTS
-----------------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer
needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
TOP1131. THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD.

** A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.

** When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

** The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

** Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

** When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

** If he or she says that you are too good for him -- believe it.

** I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

** Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

** If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

** Living well really is the best revenge.

** Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

** Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.

** And finally... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

TOP1132. The Story Of Yam:

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one, a real sweet Potato, whom they called 'Yam.'

They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like 'Hot Potato,' and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, that no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her!

But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.

Yam told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to Idaho P.U., that's Potato University, where the Big Potatoes come from. When she graduates, she'll really be in the Chips.

One day Yam came home and said she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because Tom Brokaw is just a commentator.
TOP1133. Things To Think About:

"Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job."

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side."

"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to."

"Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."

"Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it."

"Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."
TOP1134. Pulled over in Texas...

Two guys were riding through Texas when they got pulled over by the state patrol. So the two guys Slide on their seat belt and watch the officer get out of the car. The officer walks over to the driver's wind and tapped on it with his flashlight. When the driver rolls down the window he says, "Hello offi..." and the officer hits him across the face with his flashlight.

The driver then goes, "Ow, what the hell was that for" rubbing his face The officer reply was, "In Texas, boy, you s'posed to have ya' license and registration redeh when I come to the winda'." "I'm sorry, I didn't know." The officer writes the guy a ticket and gives it to him. When the driver received his ticket and was about to roll up his window the officer hit him again. "Ow," the guy screams, "what the hell was that one for?" "In Texas, when we give ya a ticket. Ya s'pposed to say thank ya'." So the guy quickly tells the officer thank you and rolls up his window.

The officer then walks around to the passenger side and taps on his window. The passenger rolls down his window and the officer hits him over the head. The passenger then yells, "Ow what was that for?"

The officer says, "I was just making yur wish come true."

"Wish, what wish?"

"I know down tha road, ya gonna say to ya buddy 'I wish that son of a bitch would of tried that shit with me."
TOP1135. MY RESUME...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
TOP1136. Marriage

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How did I end up with someone like you?
TOP1137. Anagrams...

** Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

** Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

** Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

** The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

** Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in 'em

** Animosity; When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

** Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

** Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

** A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

** The Earthquake: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

** Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

and

** Desserts: When you read backward is: Stressed
TOP1138. LIFE BEFORE COMPUTERS:

** An application was for employment
** A program was a TV show
** A cursor used profanity
** A keyboard was a piano!
** Memory was something that you lost with age
** A CD was a bank account!
** And if you had a broken disk, It would hurt when you found out!
** Compress was something you did to garbage, Not something you did to a file
** If you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while!
** Log on was adding wood to a fire
** Hard drive was a long trip on the road
** A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
** And a backup happened to your commode!
** Cut - you did with a pocket knife
** Paste - you did with glue
** A web was a spider's home
** And a virus was the flu!
TOP1139. A Few Quotes Found While Surfing the Net...

"A day without sunshine is like night"

"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."

"99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name."

"Honk if you love peace and quiet."

"I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges."

"Remember half the people you know are below average."

"The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest.""

"Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool."

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
TOP1140. A Porcine Story (Pun)

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham. The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries. Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged.

Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties. The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage.

That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as ... Ground Hog Day.