TOP1141. Texas Vs. Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!"

They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
TOP1142. Be Careful with Upgrades...

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting rules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as Auto-X 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Tech Support
TOP1143. Actual Caddy Quotes?

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"
TOP1144. Movie Prices

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
TOP1145. Writing Techniques:

** Avoid alliteration. Always.
** Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
** Avoid clich's like the plague. (They're old hat.)
** Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
** Contractions aren't necessary.
** Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
** One should never generalize.
** Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
** Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
** Be more or less specific.
** One-word sentences? Eliminate.
** Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
** Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
** Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
** Who needs rhetorical questions?
** Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
TOP1146. Murphy's laws of combat operations...

** Friendly fire - isn't.
** Recoilless rifles - aren't.
** If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
** Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
** If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
** Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
** The easy way is always mined.
** Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
** When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
** No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
** No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
** If the enemy is within range, so are you.
** Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
** The one item you need is always in short supply.
** Interchangeable parts aren't.
** The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
** Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
** No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
** Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
** There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
TOP1147. WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

** Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
** Dogs love it when your friends come over.
** Dogs think you sing great.
** A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
** The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
** Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
** Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
** Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
** Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
** Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
** Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
** A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
** A dog's parents never visit.
** Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
** Dogs like beer.
** No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
** Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
** Dogs never expect gifts.
** Dogs don't worry about germs.
** Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
** You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
** Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
** Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
** Dogs never want foot-rubs.
** Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
** Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
TOP1148. Parent Definitions...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have kids again.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".
TOP1149. Today in the Stock Market:

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
TOP1150. HOW TO FIGURE OUT IF YOU ARE REALLY A REDNECK:

** You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

** You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

** The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

** You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

** You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

** You come back from the dump with more than you took.

** Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

** Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

** You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

** You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.

** Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

** You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

** Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

** A tornado hits your neighborhood and does over $100,000 worth of improvements.

** You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"

** You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

** Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
TOP1151. Executive Fantasy

A rich business executive sees an ad in the Wall Street Journal for the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million.

The mogul decides that he must have it, and assigns half a dozen assistants to track the car down for him. After months of searching, the car is found, bought, and delivered. Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin.

At the first stop light, an young man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa. Without an invitation, the young man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?"

"About 270," answers the executive.

"No way," says the young man.

Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the young man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.

But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop.

Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.

"What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"

Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the young man on the Vespa.

"That just couldn't be," he says to himself.

Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy.

The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the young man on the Vespa that crashed into him.

"Are you okay?" asks the executive. "Is there anything I can do for you?

"Yes," replied the young man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."
TOP1152. Evaluation Comments...

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

Comment: AVERAGE
Really Means: Not too bright.

Comment: EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED
Really Means: Has committed no major blunders to date.

Comment: ACTIVE SOCIALLY
Really Means: Drinks heavily.

Comment: QUICK THINKING
Really Means: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Comment: INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION
Really Means: Knows more than superiors.

Comment: STERN DISCIPLINARIAN
Really Means: A real jerk.

Comment: APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC
Really Means: Finds someone else to do the job.

Comment: A KEEN ANALYST
Really Means: Thoroughly confused.

Comment: EXPRESSES SELF WELL
Really Means: Can string two sentences together.

Comment: DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP
Really Means: Has a loud voice.

Comment: JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND
Really Means: Lucky.

Comment: KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR
Really Means: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Comment: SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE
Really Means: Stupid.

Comment: ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS
Really Means: An office gossip.

Comment: ENJOYS JOB
Really Means: Needs more to do.

Comment: HAPPY
Really Means: Paid too much.

Comment: CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN
Really Means: Pain in the ass.

Comment: USES TIME EFFECTIVELY
Really Means: Clock watcher.

Comment: USES RESOURCES WELL
Really Means: Delegates everything.

Comment: DESERVES PROMOTION
Really Means: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.
TOP1153. Mistress:

A sociologist, a psychologist, and a computer programmer were discussing the consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress. The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.

The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.

The programmer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
TOP1154. Lawyer in the Bar...

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"

The drunk stammered, "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The lawyer said, "Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."
TOP1155. Fun Things To Do To Telemarketers:

** Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear them over the static.

** Make up your own language. Speak it.

** Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?"

** Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.

** Dial the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! "

** Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.

** Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking."

** Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.

** Communicate only through Morse code.

** Try to sell the telemarketer something.

** Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.

** Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, "They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!" After saying one of these mutter incoherently.

** Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won't buy because you couldn't see him/her dance.

** Make him/her sing to get a sale.

** Pretend to be really interested. Then say, "No."

** Engage him/her in an "intellectual" conversation on an extremely boring subject.

** Say nothing until he/she hangs up.

** Say, "I told you. I don't know where your dog is!" Then hang up.

** After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.

** Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to them.
TOP1156. Hmmm...

Have you heard the one about the Agnostic, Dyslexic, Insomniac?

They lay awake every night wondering if there really is a dog.
TOP1157. Teenagers are like CATS:

** Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

** No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

** You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

** Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

** No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

** Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

** Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

** Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

** Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

** Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
TOP1158. Kids will be Kids...

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
TOP1159. Computer Guys Have a Sense of Humor Too...

Young Jane, the editor of a news publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk.

Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Jane called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Jane's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin... ;-) ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," replied Jane.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T Error
TOP1160. Funny Bumper Stickers:

** I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

** You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

** So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

** Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

** All men are idiots...and I married their king.

** IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

** Honk! If you want to see my finger.

** Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

** Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

** I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

** Always remember you're unique just like everyone else.

** Ever stop to think and forget to start again?